14 Red Flags Of A Codependent Relationship (and how to Spot Them Early)

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Do you have a constant need for attention and validation in your relationship? That might be because of codependency!

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A relationship is a safe space where you deserve to feel loved and wanted. But what if that love becomes an excessive obsession? That is what a codependent relationship might look like!

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Clingy behaviour, poor boundaries, need for validation - All of it might seem normal at the beginning of a relationship when things are still hot, but long-term codependency is a major red flag. 

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This article explores major codependent behaviour examples and red flags that you might not know are unhealthy for your relationship. If you or someone you know is struggling with codependency, KMA Therapy is here to help guide you toward healthier, more balanced relationships.

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What Is A Codependent Relationship?

A codependent relationship refers to a relation with a severe power imbalance among individuals. In this relationship, one of the individuals holds more power over the other, taking advantage of the situation by getting as much attention as possible. A codependent relationship can occur between friends, siblings, family, or colleagues. 

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Dr. Derring states, “Relationships are founded on the notion that if it works for you, it works for me. However, when pushed to an extreme, people might struggle to function without the relationship, leading to an unhealthy dynamic.”

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This is what happens in a codependent relationship: you rely on other people more than usual, which results in the relationship becoming unhealthy. 

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Chris Kingman, a New York-based psychologist, claims that people with codependency issues have severe self-esteem problems. Codependent individuals set very poor criteria for how others treat them and accept disrespectful behaviours. They end up in relationships where the partner does not treat them well because they reinforce a cycle of unhealthy dynamics and emotional dependence. This interaction pattern sets them up poorly to recognize their value and insist on respect.

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14 Red Flags Of A Codependent Relationship

If you're wondering whether your relationship dynamics might be tilting towards codependency, it’s crucial to recognize the patterns that can make both partners feel trapped rather than loved or supported. Here’s a deeper look into these red flags and how they might manifest in your life.

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Minimizing Your Needs

It is true that in any good relationship, the needs of both partners count equally. But if very often your desires keep going into second place to satisfy your partner-for instance, giving up some of your favourite things because your partner would prefer you to stay at home, you might want to rethink things. Doing this will make you resentful and cause you to lose your identity, which is unhealthy in the long run.

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Example: Sarah used to attend a book club every Thursday, which she thoroughly enjoyed. After her partner, Tom, expressed feeling lonely those evenings, she stopped going. Over time, Sarah felt disconnected from her friends and hobbies, realizing she sacrificed too much for Tom's comfort.

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Overly Controlling Behavior

Does it feel from your partner that they control parts of your life because it is for your good? Whether financial investments or what to wear, it feels overbearing and negates freedom-essential in any relationship.

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Example: Mike insists on having all passwords to Emily's social media accounts and frequently checks her messages. He justifies this by saying he's protecting her from online harassment, but Emily feels she has no privacy.

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They're an Emotional Rollercoaster

It is just like treading on eggshells to live with a person in whose hands the mood of the household lies and whose feelings are unpredictable. There can be a great deal of anxiety and insecurity in a relationship with this.

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Example: Linda feels she must constantly cater to Jim’s mood swings. If Jim is having a bad day, it overshadows the entire household, leaving Linda anxious about home life being unpredictably stressful.

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They Know No Boundaries

It is very important to respect every moment of privacy, physical or emotional. If he constantly oversteps the mark, like reading messages on your cell phone without asking you, then what that means is he does not respect your privacy and self-determination.

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Example: Whenever Anna goes out with her colleagues, her partner, Joe, calls her multiple times throughout the evening. He says it's because he misses her, but Anna feels she can't enjoy time away without interference.

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They Have Low Self-Esteem

It's unfair that the expectations bar heightens when the other partner constantly needs you to reassure their self-importance. You may do a lot, but it feels like it's never enough to make them feel worthy by themselves.

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Example: Derek frequently asks his girlfriend, Claire, if he's smarter than her coworkers or if she would ever leave him for someone more successful. His constant need for reassurance exhausts Claire and strains their relationship.

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They Feel Like “Fixing” Your Problems

It is normal to wish to help a partner when things get tough. However, sometimes it so happens that this becomes unhealthy if they just take over your issues and insist on "fixing" the things one would rather handle. This can easily make you feel undermined and infantilized.

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Example: Whenever Leah mentions a problem at work, her boyfriend, Sam, immediately offers to call her boss or handle the situation, not trusting Leah to manage her challenges effectively.

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They’re Good at the Blame Game

The blaming partner might weigh you down, always shifting the blame onto you and never taking responsibility for his misdeeds. It builds a toxic environment where one hardly gets to grow up or feel connected.

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Example: Whenever anything goes wrong, be it a cancelled plan or a financial issue, Steven blames his wife, Judy, even if she has nothing to do with the situation. This deflects responsibility and puts undue stress on Judy.

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Their World Revolves Around You

While it is a fluttering feeling for a little while being the center of someone's universe-that can get overwhelming mighty fast. If your partner has no interests or friendships outside of your relationship, he might get overly dependent on you for happiness, which is not right on either of your accounts.

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Example: Carol has given up most of her hobbies and now spends all her time with her boyfriend, Rob. She has little contact with her friends and has started to lose her sense of identity, relying solely on Rob for her happiness.

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They Can’t Make Decisions on Their Own

If the partner, without you, is not able to make any decisions, then it is a major symptom of insecurity and dependency. It develops a sort of stress in the relationship and does not allow an individual to grow mature.

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Example: Whenever it's time to choose a restaurant, movie, or even a brand of coffee, Kevin looks to his partner, Susan, to make the decision. His indecisiveness leaves Susan feeling more like a caretaker than a partner.

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They Need Constant Approval

You seek your partner's approval over minute decisions. This is a good sign that you may become addicted to their validation; it's that important to your self-esteem that you shouldn't feel incapable of making choices without consulting them.

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Example: Before Lisa can feel confident in her choices, from buying a new dress to changing her hairstyle, she feels compelled to get her husband's approval to affirm that her decisions are right.

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You Experience Difficulty Communicating Your Needs

Another characteristic of codependent relationships is when one cannot express one's needs or fears because one just can't bear to "upset" one's partner. Good communication is the backbone of any good relationship; without this, there will be resentment.

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Example: Janet often holds back from telling her partner, Alex, that she needs more help around the house because, in the past, such discussions have led to Alex feeling criticized and sulking for days.

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Conflict Avoidance

If you always agree to avoid confrontations, you will also begin avoiding the necessary ones. It only means that you may yield to your needs and opinions, not to upset your partner. You are stopping important conversations that are supposed to take place for the growth of your relationship.

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Example: Rather than telling her boyfriend, Todd, that she feels overwhelmed by his friends staying over frequently, Rachel just quietly cleans up after them and feels resentful, fearing any confrontation might lead to a fight.

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They Want to Change Who You Are

Besides being unfair, trying to mould your partner into an ideal is highly impracticable. Therefore, The logical consequence would be that in a healthy relationship, partners take each other as they are, shortcomings and all. You may want to change them to show deeper dissatisfaction.

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Example: Tony often suggests that his girlfriend, Nina, should dress more like the women he sees on Instagram. Even though she's content with her style, Nina feels pressured to change her appearance to please Tony.

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Your Partner Texts You Every Hour

An anxious need to constantly check in can be a symptom that something is amiss regarding the stability of a relationship. Communication is important, but an obsessive texting pattern that keeps tabs on your partner pushes you both toward a breakdown rather than bringing you closer.

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Example: Maria texts her partner, Hank, every hour they are apart, asking for updates on his whereabouts and activities. Hank feels monitored, and Maria’s anxiety only worsens when he doesn’t reply quickly.

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Causes of a Codependent Relationship

Codependent relationships are often results of deeply rooted family issues or childhood traumas. Here’s a closer look at some common factors that contribute to the development of codependency treatment in a relationship:

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Dysfunctional Family

Codependent behaviour can be learned while growing up within a dysfunctional family where chaos, unpredictability, and inconsistency are the norms. Children in such an environment learn to suppress their wants and feelings to maintain peace or stabilize the family unit.

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Damaging Parent-Child Relationship

A hurtful parent relationship, necessarily blurred or non-existent, cannot help but foster codependency in a child. Perhaps he becomes overly caretaking to a parent or searches for similar relationships in adulthood to act out pre-programmed needs to care for another to validate his self-worth.

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Family Member With A Physical Or Mental Condition

Another cause of codependency could be residence in a family where a family member has grave physical or mental health problems. Usually, children assume adult responsibilities when they are very young and learn to put others' needs before their own, which is a pattern that can well be carried into other relationships.

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Addict Parents

Children of people with an addiction are often given the responsibility of caretaker, managing the household and parent's addiction. The environment has taught the child the role of a rescuer, often acting out in personal relationships by trying to help others in need.

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Narcissistic Parent

A narcissistic parent may expect the child to always admire and attend to them while they negate the child's emotional needs. The result could be codependency, in which the grown child feels love is conditioned by performance and people-pleasing.

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Exposed To Trauma

Trauma exposure, especially during childhood, enhances the condition of higher needs for stability and control later on, which might then be described as codependency in a relationship. It is here that trauma survivors may find themselves involved in a relationship where they can create the control they did not have during traumatic experiences.

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Physical, Emotional, Or Sexual Abuse

Most often, abuse survivors will develop codependent behaviours to cope with feelings of shame, guilt, or low self-esteem associated with the abuse. They could even think that they must earn certain love and approval, most especially from people acting like their abusers.

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How To Cope With A Codependent Relationship?

If you are in a codependent relationship, it may affect your daily life activities, restraining you from living life like a normal person. Here’s how you need to cope with a codependent relationship:

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Spend Some Time Alone 😌

It is so easy to get lost when life seems so deeply intertwined. Carve some time to be alone; it may just be that game-changer. It involves reconnecting to who one is outside of their relationship, so rediscovering what you used to enjoy doing before your relationship took all of your time and energy. The result of these re-approaches allows self-esteem and personal fulfillment to emerge once more.

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Put it in writing✍🏻

More than keeping records, journaling is about understanding the lost part of one's self. Writing down thoughts and feelings may bring one to notice patterns they never realized were occurring, or they may learn what they want and need from their relationship.

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Set Boundaries 🙅🏻‍♀️

Setting boundaries is not about pushing your partner away but about establishing respect toward each other's needs. It’s about telling them, "I love you and respect you too, but I have to love and respect myself as well."

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Seek Individual Therapy or Counselling 👩🏼‍⚕️

Sometimes, it takes a professional eye to untangle codependency and work through the problems. It can be with the help of a therapist who will give you insights and tools that might be difficult to find by yourself. If unsure where to go, KMA Therapy offers services tailored to help individuals and couples resolve their issues.

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Avoid Being Overly Emotional 😩

If the discussions become heated, our feelings can overwhelm us too easily. And that is where learning to count to ten and pause for breath may make all the difference. It does not suggest suppressing our emotions but rather understanding them a little better so we may be able to communicate more easily.

Recognize These Red Flags? Get Support from KMA Therapy Today!

Do you find yourself constantly catering to others to the extent that your needs are lost in the dust? If you nodded through the above, you might well be codependent in your way, and you are most definitely not alone in this. We understand how tough this can be; at KMA Therapy, we are always there to take care of you in circumstances that can take a huge toll on you.

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We want to help you understand such patterns, like saying 'yes' when overwhelmed or constantly dealing with someone else's crises. We are a team of professional therapists who, through strategies such as cognitive-behavioural therapy, can help one break from such cycles by empowering themselves toward boundary setting and taking good care of their well-being.

Know any of these warning signs? Reach out today and get support from KMA Therapy! Let's talk and start shifting the pattern. It's time to come first.