How to Date When You Have an Avoidant Attachment Style
You swipe right on someone, get the cheerful notification that it’s a match, and start talking.
For a while, it’s fun - you’re learning about someone new, they seem interesting and exciting, and you enjoy talking to them.
But soon, they start taking up more and more of your time - they want to spend every night together, know every single detail about your life, and you feel your independence start to slip away.
Dating can be an amazing way to learn more about yourself, explore romantic connections, and form genuine relationships.
It can also feel uniquely challenging if you have an avoidant attachment style.
Here at KMA Therapy, we know everyone deserves a supportive relationship - and we’re here to help you learn how to find an amazing relationship, regardless of your attachment style.
After reading this article, you’ll know what an avoidant attachment style is and three ways to date with an avoidant attachment style.
What is an Avoidant Attachment Style?
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you probably prefer to keep your emotions to yourself. You’ve learned that it’s safer to hide your feelings, and you know how to take care of yourself on your own.
People with an avoidant attachment style can get a bad reputation for being cold or lacking feeling, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. You likely have deep, intense feelings - you just don’t always feel safe putting them on full display.
Signs of an avoidant attachment style include:
- Dismissing you needs
- Lacking trust with others
- Difficulty opening up to others
- Highly valuing your independence
- Avoiding emotional intimacy and vulnerability
- Preferring to handle all your problems on your own
Three Tips for Dating with an Avoidant Attachment Style
Even if you feel like your attachment style has been holding you back, it is fully possible for you to have supportive and meaningful relationships.
These three tips are a great place to start:
1. Take Inventory of What You Want
It’s important to understand and acknowledge what you need in a relationship.
What do you value most? Do you want to date someone who gives you space? Do you need someone who is self-confident?
You deserve a relationship with someone who understands you - and that means you need to be clear on what you want in a romantic partner.
2. Communicate Your Needs
Once you understand your needs when dating, be sure to communicate them.
If you’re looking for something casual, don’t start dating someone who wants to get engaged as soon as possible.
Be clear about what you need. This might include:
- Doing activity-based dates rather that conversation-based dates during the beginning of your relationship
- Needing a lot of space and time to yourself
- Taking things slowly
3. Practice Being Emotionally Vulnerable
Being emotionally vulnerable can be difficult when you have an avoidant attachment style.
Practicing ways to share your thoughts, feelings, and emotions with romantic partners can make it easier for you to do it in the moment.
If you have a friend you trust, try opening up to them first.
Remember that it’s okay to take it slow when building things up with a partner - we don’t all need to be answering The New York Times’ 36 Questions to Fall in Love on a first date.
Next Steps for Successful Dating
After reading this article, you know how to recognize an avoidant attachment style and three tips for dating with an avoidant attachment.
Here at KMA Therapy, we know it takes time and patience when building lasting relationships. We also know that sometimes, you need a little extra support.
Our dedicated relationship therapists have been supporting our clients in creating meaningful connections for over 14 years.
Book an appointment today or reach out to our team if you have any questions.
If you’re not ready to book an appointment, check out these articles to keep learning:
