How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner: 5 Tips from a Clinical Sexologist
You know it’s time to have that conversation with your partner so you can get on the same page about your relationship.
But every time you think about bringing it up, you start to get nervous.
Even if you’re really comfortable with other aspects of your relationship, talking about sex with your partner can feel overwhelming - and you might start to feel like it’s better not to say anything at all.
Here at KMA Therapy, we know that talking to your partner about sex can feel uncomfortable - so you want to hear advice from the best of the best. For over 15 years, we’ve connected our clients and community with experts who are leaders in their fields.
After reading this article, you’ll have five top tips to talk about sex with your partner from clinical sexologist and anatomy researcher Dr. Martin Dragan.
5 Ways to Talk About Sex With Your Partner
Opening up a conversation about sex can be difficult, but ultimately it will help both of you get what you need out of your intimate relationship.
Follow these five tips from Dr. Dragan to help you get started.
1. Come in with an open and positive perspective
The first point you have to keep in mind is you want to be open, accepting, and honest.
That means accepting that this topic might be a little uncomfortable to talk about, and it might feel a little bit weird to bring up.
But the more you decide to be honest, truthful, and open about what you want, what you like, and what you need, the more you’ll be able to communicate this to your partner.
In addition to being open and honest, it's important to remember how your attitude, how you think about what you're going to say, and what you feel are going to play a role in how you express what you're feeling.
"If you decide that your partner is not going to be too pleased with the conversation, or they're not going to really be able to listen or understand where you're coming from, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy," says Dragan.
Go into the conversation with the view that:
- The conversation will be productive
- Your partner will be receptive to what you’re saying
- You can both learn something new from the experience
Ultimately, it’s really important to have a good attitude.
2. Set realistic expectations
While a positive attitude is important, it’s equally important to accept that the conversation might not go perfectly - and a few hiccups doesn’t mean the conversation is a failure.
"Make sure that your expectations are really clear with your partner," Dr. Dragan suggests.
Let your partner know that:
- You want them to listen to what you have to say
- You want to address your needs and wants
- You want to listen to what they have to say
As much as you might know exactly what you want to say, it’s also important to be open to what your partner has to say.
3. Be present in the conversation
Once you get that conversation going, you’ll want to be mindful of how you’re communicating - both verbally and non-verbally.
Remember that listening is just as important as talking (even if you’re the one initiating the conversation!)
Instead of having the attitude that you are already fully aware of what your partner will say, be present - really listen to what they’re saying, and hear them out without jumping to conclusions.
Even your body language tends to say a lot. So even if you’re saying the right things or using the right words, your body language can also impact the way your message is delivered.
Be mindful of:
- Your tone
- Gestures
- Posture
Make sure your body language is open and receptive - try not to just sit there with your arms crossed.
4. Find the right time and place
Choosing when to start this conversation is also really important - it’s not something you want to casually bring up in a busy setting.
Find a time when both of you are able to be fully present, and share that you want to talk about your sexual relationship.
You don’t have to have the full conversation right away - it’s also okay to choose another time when you’ll both be ready to talk.
Start the conversation off by letting your partner know that this is something important to you, and be honest about whether it makes you uncomfortable or anxious. It’s okay to be honest with your partner that it might be a difficult conversation for you - your honesty might help them feel more comfortable, too.
5. Choose your words wisely
Be mindful of the language you’re using during this conversation.
"If there are other things in your relationship that make you feel frustrated or angry," Dr. Dragan notes, "This might not be the right time to bring them up."
If you are expressing frustration about your intimate relationship, there are ways you can express this without getting angry during the present moment (which can ultimately escalate the situation.)
Try to stay on the softer side of things when having this conversation, and if things become too overwhelming, it’s okay to take a break and come back to the conversation later.
Either way, talking about this stuff is a two way street. It’s not a conversation where you can set expectations and demand your partner meets you there.
The goal of this conversation is to express how you feel, hear how your partner feels, and find common goals you can reach together.
Next Steps for Healthy Relationships
After reading this article, you know five ways to open up a conversation about sex with your partner and reach your goals together.
Here at KMA Therapy, we know that sometimes, you need a bit of extra support to reach your relationship milestones.
Our talented therapy team includes couples counsellors, relationship therapists, and sex therapists who are ready to help you get the thriving relationship you deserve.
Check out our Sex and Intimacy Counselling page to learn more or download the Therapy 101 Guide for more information on how therapy can work for you.
Ready to see a therapist? Book an appointment today.
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