Narcissism on TV: Why so many people resonate with the show Tell Me Lies
Narcissistic characters on TV are some of the most entertaining to watch. Whether it’s an exaggerated caricature, like Futurama’s Zap Brannigan or a terrifying villain like Game of Throne’s Joffrey Baratheon, we watch in sheer amazement and distaste as they navigate life with self-serving audacity, and cheer in catharsis when they get their much deserved “punishment arc”. In some cases, likeThe Good Place’s Eleanor Shellstrop, or Community’s Jeff Winger, we watch them evolve away from narcissism, with the help of well-meaning friends and partners who help them grow.
As a therapist who works largely with attachment and relationships, Disney’s Tell Me Lies surprised me. There was something incredibly real and rarely shown in the portrayal of narcissism through the character Stephen DeMarco. I saw how this portrayal resonates deeply with women, and had them breaking out in commentary throughout the show; “This is exactly my ex!”. Importantly, it doesn’t wrap things up with a punishment or redemption arc. Instead, it shows a much more nuanced and realistic portrayal of what narcissism in relationships can look like, and the difficulties of trying to get out.
In this article, I will:
- Break down the definition of narcissism using TV characters
- Describe how narcissism shows up in relationships
- Discuss Stephen’s representation of narcissism
- And talk about what next steps can look like if you are or were in a narcissistic relationship
Trigger warning for narcissistic abuse, sexual coercion, and death by car accident.
A warning for spoilers for seasons 1 and 2 of Tell Me Lies.
What is Narcissism?
Narcissism is a word that’s often overused and misunderstood. It has become a buzzword social media uses tod escribe people at the drop of a hat. In reality, most individuals actually exhibit a healthy dose of narcissism. This can come in the form of self-assurance, pride in oneself, healthy entitlement, and self-improvement. We need to be a little bit narcissistic to believe that we deserve a promotion, to be proud of things we’ve achieved, or to accept a compliment from someone. In fact, part of my work with clients who people please or have issues with boundaries is incorporating a touch of healthy narcissism.
Narcissism becomes destructive when:
- Confidence tilts towards an inflated sense of self-importance
- There’s an excessive need for admiration from others
- And, importantly, when there’s a lack of empathy for others.
Destructive narcissism leads to manipulation and exploitation of others to suit one’s own needs, and usually results in toxic and harmful relationships.
It is important to note that destructive narcissism does not come from self-assurance, but deep insecurities. We see this commonality in narcissistic TV characters. Zap feigns confidence but easily breaks down, in a buffoonish fashion, when faced with any sort of accountability or rejection. Joffrey’s sense of self-worth is transparently fragile, and when he senses any sort of disrespect or humiliation, he quickly becomes dangerously violent. Even with our “good” narcissists, we see this insecurity. Throughout their arcs, the charming Eleanor and Jeff show a deep sense of insecurity about their worthiness, mistakes, and capacity for change. At the beginning of their journeys, their quick-wittedness and intelligence are used as defence mechanisms to hide their empty sense of self-worth.
Narcissism in Relationships
Narcissism can affect romantic relationships in different ways, but the themes often to look the same.Narcissistic partners typically display manipulation, control, lack of empathy, and a constant need for validation. Relationships often become a means to validate their self-esteem or assert dominance. They may show a fear of abandonment and use emotional exploitation to avoid being “exposed as a fraud”.
Again, these toxic behaviours come from a deep sense of insecurity and a fragile self-esteem, not from genuine self-worth. Narcissistic partners project an inflated ego to cover up their fears of inadequacy and rejection. Romantic relationships are not seen as mutual partnerships, but as a means of reinforcing their own importance and superiority. They tend to find partners who they feel they can dominate, control, or manipulate into giving them the validation they crave without offering the same emotional support in return. They may also look for “status”partners who can provide social or material currency.
At the beginning of their stories, Eleanor and Jeff both use the people around them as tools to get what they want, without any consideration for the emotional consequences. Eleanor’s relationships are always emotionally shallow, and she rejects anyone’s attempts to help her self-reflect or evolve. Jeff consistently manipulates his study group into his bidding; lying and exploiting them to get closer to his goals.Both scoff at the thought of considering others’ needs and justify (and even intellectualize) their selfish perspectives. Throughout the show, they are revealed to be deeply insecure people, marked by a belief that they are unlovable.
Although it’s played for laughs,Zap treats women as objects for his personal pleasure, meant to be conquered.He veers into the realm of sexual coercion and manipulation, putting them in compromising situations for his own sexual gain and assertion of his fragile “manly”persona.
In even more extreme cases, likeJoffrey’s, we see an extreme example of narcissistic abuse. Joffrey forcesSansa into a humiliating and abusive relationship to assert his own dominance.He has a precarious need to feel powerful, sees her subservience as the avenue, and is deeply threatened, and emotionally and physically violent when this need is not met.
Stephen DeMarco’s Narcissism
Tell Me Lies follows the story of Stephen DeMarco and Lucy Albright’s tumultuous relationship. Stephen is a junior at Baird University and pursues Lucy, a freshman, early in the show. From the start and throughout the show, the audience is made immediately aware of Stephen’s controlling presence. In their very first interaction,Stephen corners Lucy at a party in a physically intimidating manner. As the audience, we sense her discomfort. As their relationship continues, we see a “push-pull”dynamic formed by Stephen that keeps Lucy emotionally hooked. He gives her attention in some moments, and withdraws it seemingly randomly in others, putting Lucy on an “emotional rollercoaster”.
Stephen’s other meaningful relationship in the show is with his ex-girlfriend, Diana. Diana is a junior majoring in law who maintains high grades, like Stephen. Stephen’s dynamic with Diana is different than with most others. While both Lucy and Diana become emotional“victims” of Stephen’s manipulations, Diana represents someone who can maintain some emotional independence and boundaries.
As we continue to watch, it becomes apparent that Stephen functions through manipulation, control, emotional exploitation, and a constant need for validation. He is belittling and controlling with his friends and partners. He is charismatic and charming, but utilizes these traits for personal gain, rather than connections.
Let’s break down Stephen Demarco’s most apparent narcissistic characteristics.
- Manipulation and Control through Charm
Stephen uses charm as a tool for manipulation. We see how capable he is drawing people in with his magnetic personality.These are not genuine attempts to build meaningful connections, but a calculated weapon designed to maintain power over others. This is especially true when it comes to romantic relationships. Stephen can easily captivate others, make them feel special or unique, but only as a means to strengthen his hold on them.
Example: Stephen connects with Lucy’s best friend Lydia when he realizes Lucy and Lydia are at odds. He quickly leverages his charm and her anger at Lucy to form a romantic relationship.He is not looking for a genuine connection with Lydia, in fact, later in the show, we see him be unfaithful to her with Lucy. Becoming involved with Lydia will be painful for Lucy; Stephen only uses his charm as a manipulation tactic to hurt Lucy.
- Emotional Distance
Stephen’s narcissism also manifests in emotional distance. His primary concern is how he appears to others, how he’s viewed, and how people can help him feel good about himself. This leaves no room for true emotional intimacy. In his relationships, he withholds emotional closeness and true authenticity. Doing so could make him vulnerable to rejection or abandonment; it would compromise his primary concerns. He maybe physically present, but he’s never truly emotionally available.
Example: Stephen flip-flops between Lucy and Diana based on which one can better serve his material and emotional needs best in that moment. He reveals different aspects of himself to each woman, but never allows them to see both sides. As the audience, we see a stark contrast between who he is when he’s with Diana versus Lucy, as well as who he is with his friends. He works very diligently as keeping these “worlds” separate through secrecy and lies.
- Lack of Empathy and Exploitation
A key feature of Stephen's narcissistic behaviour is his lack of empathy. He appears emotionally disconnected and unable to genuinely care about the feelings or well-being of others. There is a sense that he sees others as tools to get what he wants, or obstacles to overcome. His relationships are rarely about mutual respect or genuine connection. Whether it's using someone for sex, validation, status, or material gain, Stephen remains indifferent to how his actions affect those around him. In situations where people become obstacles, Stephen almost automatically defaults to deception or manipulation to protect himself.
Example: Nowhere is his lack of empathy clearer than after it is revealed he was drunk driving with his friend, Macy, in the passenger seat. She dies after their accident. Almost immediately, he moves Macy’s body into the driver’s seat to frame her as the driver. He displays little empathy or genuine sadness after the fact. He only ever shows worry when he fears getting caught. He sees the situation as something“in his way” and remedies it through criminal manipulation of the accident.
- Fear of Abandonment and Using Others for Validation
At his core, Stephen fears abandonment, a driving force behind much of his behaviour. His need for external validation is insatiable, and he surrounds himself with people who feed into his sense of importance. It is his fear of being alone or rejected that fuels his control of others. Emotional control ensures that his sources of validation remain within reach. His fear drives him to exploit others, keeping them on the hook to bolster his self-esteem and mitigate his underlying sense of insecurity. Ironically, he never feels entirely safe or satiated with others’ attention, because he never fosters real, quality connections or addresses his feelings of worthlessness.
Example: When Diana refuses to validate that she would stay with him if she knew he was a bad person,Stephen leaves her for Lucy. Stephen is constantly monitoring others to ensure they don’t see him for who he is and reject him. He often leaves partners or friends, convincing them they’ve done something wrong in an effort to avoid being left himself. When someone does leave of their own accord, he constantly tries to “hook” them back in attempts to reinforce his worthiness.
- Creating a Fantasy to Maintain His Image
Stephen constantly creates and maintains a fantasy around himself. He cultivates a version of his life that he presents to others, masking any imperfections or vulnerabilities. When he does “reveal”an imperfect aspect, it is partnered with an explanation that sets him up as the more “righteous figure”, like when he makes Lucy feel guilty that her family can afford to travel, while his can’t. This self-created narrative helps him control how others perceive him, allowing him to avoid scrutiny and maintain a sense of superiority. In other times, it allows him to play the victim and sets others up as perpetrators. The fantasy of his life serves as a buffer against the fear of being exposed as unworthy. In rare instances when his fantasy is shattered, or he doesn’t measure up, his feelings of low self-worth become evident. In these moments, he looks to others to build him back up.
Example: Stephen lies in an internship interview about his travelling experiences in hopes his façade would help him fit in. When he realizes the interview is not going well, he asserts to the interviewer that he could never have gotten the position, implying it would go to the child of an executive at the company. This is an attempt to maintain a fantasy where it is not him who is unworthy of the internship, but where the world is “stacked against him”. When the interviewer confirms that they have a policy against nepotism, Stephen breaks down; his fantasy shattered. He immediately goes to Diana who reassures him of his capabilities and re-establishes his self-worth.
Breaking the Cycle of Narcissistic Relationships
At his core, Stephen is driven by insecurities that make it difficult for him to offer emotional intimacy, creating a toxic cycle of emotional push-pull with his romantic interests. His self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and emotional distance lead to an unhealthy dynamic where his partners feel constantly unsure, confused, and emotionally drained. Their concerns are never validated or addressed; situations are always flipped so he becomes the wronged party.
Near the end of the series, we see Diana break the push-pull dynamic. Diana displays confidence and an awareness of the dynamics at play. Although she is still confused about some of Stephen’s behaviours, she questions them. When she verifies that his interest in her is conditional on her ability to aid him either materially, like through work opportunities, or emotionally, through validation and status, she walks away.
During a “flash-forward” scene, years after the main storyline takes place, Diana and Lucy have a moment of solidarity. Diana sees Lucy look for Stephen, and confirms that she, too, feels uneasy when she doesn’t know where he is. This is telling; what pulled Diana out of Stephen’s toxic cycle was not her become entirely unaffected by his narcissistic behaviours. Indeed, she continued to feel their legacy years later while she was in a happy relationship. What pulled Diana out was that she trusted her gut, and although unsure, found the resources to leave her relationship.
Getting Help with Narcissistic Relationship
If you, or someone you know are having difficulties leaving a narcissistic relationship, reach out. A therapist can help you:
- Understand what’s going on when you feel confused and disoriented in your relationship
- Identify manipulative patterns and unhealthy dynamics that may be affecting your sense of self-worth
- Develop strategies to regain emotional independence and set healthy boundaries
- Process the emotional toll of the relationship and work toward healing from any trauma
- Rebuild your confidence and self-esteem, helping you feel empowered to make decisions that prioritize your well-being
- Offer guidance and support in navigating the complexities of ending or distancing yourself from a narcissistic relationship
You don't have to go through this journey alone. Seeking professional help can provide the clarity and support needed to move forward in a healthier direction.
If you’re ready to take the first step in your mental health journey, set up a free Discovery Call as soon as today, and get the support you need.
