Lets Take the Pressure off our Orgasms and Enjoy the Ride!

Our culture tends to be very goal oriented and pushes us to strive to be the ‘best’ in many aspects of our lives.

Therefore, it is not surprising that we tend to put a lot of pressure on our sexual performance and often think of orgasm as the ‘goal’ of sex.

When we use sexual scripts that are goal oriented and overly focused on orgasm achievement it creates a lot of performance pressure for both partners.

Using this perspective can lead us to put up our blinders and rush to the finish line of orgasm without taking the time to appreciate the journey of mutual erotic pleasure along the way. Additionally, performance pressure can lead to various sexual difficulties such as premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction and low sexual desire and arousal in women, just to mention a few.

So rather than having all this focus on orgasm, taking a focus on creating mutual erotic pleasure during sexual activity can take the pressure off and let both partners more fully engage and connect with one another in the moment.

That is, sex does not need to be conceptualized as a means to an ends, orgasm, but can be appreciated as a pleasurable process that is valuable in its own right, with or without orgasm.

Moreover, for women specifically, there is a lot of pressure placed on if we are having the ‘right’ type of orgasm. Which I think is a bunch of rubbish! The debate of the clitoral vs. vaginal/g-spot orgasm is a tale as old as time and one I think it very unfair for us as women. Some women experience vaginal/g-spot orgasm, most women experience clitoral orgasm, some experience both and some none at all! All of these variations in our sexual experience is what makes us individual, so whatever way you experience it, is good for you!

The notion that clitoral orgasm are ‘immature’ and not as good as g-spot orgasm is just not supported in the research. They are just different, not necessarily better than one another. In fact, it has been consistently reported that only 30% of women report experiencing orgasm from vaginal penetration alone and majority of women use clitoral stimulation as their primary means to reach orgasm. Additionally, the clitoris is the only human organ, in both men and women, who’s sole function that is pleasure.

If you happen to be a woman who experiences sexual pleasure but hasn’t had a g-spot orgasm, please do not feel disappointed!

This is not to say that some women don’t have wonderful g-spot orgasm, and great for them! I just don’t think its fair for women who experience sexual pleasure in many various ways are made to think that they are missing out and should pressure themselves to achieve this media-hyped g-spot orgasm. If your sexual acts are feeling good to you and you are leaving feeling satisfied than great!

So slow down, enjoy the ride and try and make pleasure the focus of your sexual activities not the orgasm, whichever type!

References

Ellison, C. R. (2001). Intimacy-based sex therapy: Sexual choreography. In P. J. Kleinplatz (Ed.), New directions in sex therapy: Innovations and alternatives (pp. 163-184). Philadelphia: Brunner-Routledge.

Waxman, J. (2007). Getting off: A woman’s guide to masturbation. CA: Seal Press