What is Covert Narcissism? (& 10 Ways to Recognize a Narcissist)
Have you ever met someone who always finds a way to make things about them?
Whether they always find a way to diminish your accomplishments, make passive-aggressive comments, or constantly guilt trip you, dealing with someone who doesn’t think about how you feel can be draining.
Covert narcissism can be hard to recognize, because as its name suggests, it’s subtle. But over time, it can take a large toll on your emotional wellbeing.
Here at KMA Therapy, we’re here to help you understand the dynamics in your personal and professional relationships.
After reading this article, you’ll know what covert narcissism is, how to recognize a covert narcissist, and how to deal with the impacts of covert narcissism.
What is a Covert Narcissist?
A covert narcissist is someone who is entitled, has a deep need for admiration, and is self-centered. While they have a need for attention, it’s often disguised by a self-effacing and humble personality.
Overt narcissists can be easier to recognize because they openly display their need for attention and their feelings of superiority. Covert narcissists have a similar desire for validation and control, but they use much more subtle ways to fulfill it.
It’s important to note that narcissism is a personality disorder and can only be diagnosed by a professional, and the diagnostic criteria in the DSM doesn’t differentiate between overt and covert narcissism.
But when you’re dealing with someone who displays traits of covert narcissism, it can be helpful to know how to deal with them - regardless of whether or not they have a diagnosis.
Covert narcissists use strategies like:
- Gaslighting
- Emotional manipulation
- Passive aggressive behaviour
- Compliments (that are few and far between)
All of these strategies are used to keep your attention while making sure the focus is always on them and their needs.
How to Recognize a Covert Narcissist
Covert narcissists can show up in a variety of environments, from your romantic relationships, to friendships, to co-workers and bosses.
Due to their subtle approach, covert narcissists can be hard to recognize - but if you’ve ever met someone who always finds a way to make the conversation about them and finds any excuse to undermine your accomplishments, you could be dealing with a covert narcissist.
10 signs of a covert narcissist are:
- Insecurity
- Frequent guilt-tripping
- Jealousy and paranoia
- Hypersensitivity to criticism
- Having superficial relationships with others
- Using backhanded compliments or the silent treatment
- Procrastinating on tasks that don’t immediately benefit them
- Constantly sharing stories where they were victimized or treated unfairly
- Downplaying their achievements when you compliment them (but making sure they are admired)
- A lack of true empathy (they might say things that make them appear sensitive, but won’t follow through with any real actions to support you)
Covert narcissists are good at making you feel like you’re in control - until things start to go a way that they don’t approve of.
They’re often inattentive when the conversation is about you, they become jealous when other people start to succeed, and they have trouble seeing anyone else’s opinions as the correct way to do things.
Impacts of Covert Narcissism
Whether you’re in a romantic relationship with a covert narcissist or you constantly have to deal with one at work, these interactions can take a toll on you over time.
These interactions can leave you feeling confused, invalidated, and frustrated.
Interacting with a covert narcissist can:
- Make you feel like you need to “walk on eggshells” around them
- Make you question what you know to be true
- Confused about what you’ve done wrong
- Negatively impact your self-esteem
- Increase your stress levels
- Drain you emotionally
3 Ways to Deal with a Covert Narcissist
Dealing with a covert narcissist is frustrating, but it’s not impossible.
1. Don’t take their behaviour personally
If you’re dealing with a narcissist, you’re likely on the receiving end of a lot of emotional outbursts and passive-aggressive behaviour.
It’s important to remember that this behaviour isn’t about you or anything that you did wrong.
While it can feel very personal to be on the receiving end of manipulative behaviours, another person’s behaviour isn’t your fault.
2. Set boundaries and self-regulate
Just because their behaviour isn’t a reflection of you, it doesn’t mean you have to accept their behaviour.
Set boundaries with a covert narcissist by saying no when you want to, taking physical space from them when needed, and leaving conversations when they are being disrespectful to you.
When dealing with a narcissist at work, it can be helpful to set time-based boundaries, like not replying to messages after-hours. Remember that it’s your job to complete the work you’ve agreed to do, not to placate someone else’s emotions.
Narcissists won’t always respect your boundaries and it’s important to find ways to self-regulate when dealing with this frustrating behaviour.
Check in with your own emotions and responses and make sure you understand how their behaviour is impacting you.
Try self-regulating activities like:
- Stepping away and going for a walk
- Engaging in self-care activities
- Journalling
- Meditating
These can help you step away from the situation and reconnect to yourself.
3. Seek out professional support
Dealing with a narcissist can take a toll on your mental health, and speaking to a therapist can be a great resource.
Speaking to a therapist can help you:
- Build new coping skills
- Learn how to set boundaries
- Understand your feelings and emotions
- Work through any feelings of guilt or shame
- Share your experience with friends and loved ones
Dealing with someone who has narcissistic traits at work can be frustrating, but it’s not usually dangerous. However, in romantic relationships and friendships, narcissism can lead to emotional and sometimes physical abuse.
If you think you may be in danger, you’re not alone and help is available. If you think you may be at risk of harm, there are several helplines you can contact for immediate support. This list of Toronto-based help for intimate partner violence has additional resources to support you.
Don’t be afraid to reach out to trusted friends or family members and explain what’s happening in the relationship. Connecting with people you care about, and who care about you, can help you remember you’re not alone and remind you of who you are outside of the narcissistic relationship.
Next Steps for Healthy Relationships
After reading this article, you know what a covert narcissist is, how to recognize one, and three ways to cope with someone displaying narcissistic behaviours.
Here at KMA Therapy, we’ve been connecting our clients and community with the support they need for over 15 years.
Register online to learn more about working with our team or download our free Therapy 101 Guide to explore how therapy could help you.
If you’d prefer to keep reading, explore these articles to learn more:
- What is Non-Violent Communication? (& 3 Communication Tips)
- What is Weaponized Incompetence? (& 3 Ways to Stop It)
- What is Stonewalling? (& 3 Ways You Can Respond)
About the Author
Emily Weatherhead has a Masters in Community Psychology from Wilfrid Laurier University, where her research focused on improving post-secondary student mental health. She is passionate about finding new ways to make mental health research more accessible and break down the barriers that prevent people from receiving mental health care.
