What is Ethical Non-Monogamy? (& 3 Ways to Know if It's for You)

Dating and relationships can be ideal situations for personal growth and self-discovery.

Our romantic relationships with others enrich our lives and can provide some of our most meaningful experiences.

With all the value relationships bring to our lives, many people are choosing to explore relationships that look different than the traditional two-person commitment we’re used to seeing.

Here at KMA Therapy, we know relationships can take on many different forms – and that doesn’t make them any less meaningful in our lives. For over 14 years, we’ve been helping our clients identify and create the ideal relationships for their lives and personalities.

After reading this article, you’ll know what ethical non-monogamy is, how to know if it could be a good choice for you, and what to consider before starting an ENM relationship. 

What Happens During Ethical Non-Monogamy?

Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is when people take part in romantic and/or sexual relationships that are not exclusive between two people.

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ENM can look different for different people. One partner may begin seeking connections outside of the relationship, or both partners may do so. These connections can be romantic, sexual, or both.

You may choose ENM if:

• You want to date other people but don’t want to break up with your current partner
• One or both partners are looking to explore their sexuality
• The relationship isn’t meeting both partners’ needs

Is Ethical Non-Monogamy the Same as Cheating?

No, ENM and cheating are not the same.

The main difference is that in ethical non-monogamy, everyone involved consents to the relationships happening.

When someone is cheating, their partner doesn’t know about, and does not consent to, outside relationships.

Cheating can happen in both ENM and monogamous relationships – for example, if you only agree to have sexual encounters with people outside of your relationship, but your partner forms a serious romantic connection, this is also considered cheating.

Are ENM Relationships Healthy?

Just like any other type of relationship, ENM relationships can be either healthy or unhealthy – it all depends on you and your partner.

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Factors that contribute to a healthy ENM relationship include:

• Trust between partners
• Open communication
• Clear boundaries
• Mutual respect

Is an ENM Relationship Right for You?

Ethically non-monogamous relationships can benefit many people, but they are not the right choice for everyone.

Here are three questions to ask yourself when considering ethical non-monogamy:

1. Do You Know How to Handle Jealousy?

People who consider ENM often see themselves as “not the jealous type.”

And yes, if the thought of your partner with somebody else makes you feel incredibly frustrated and possessive, ENM may not be for you.

However, everyone experiences jealousy to some extent – including people in ethically non-monogamous relationships.

This doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Jealousy can often be a great indicator of what you want more of in your relationship and can help open up meaningful conversations with your partner.

If you’re willing to look at jealousy as a way to reflect on your relationship, ENM could be a good option for you.

2. Are You Good at Communicating?

Good communication is vital in any relationship, but it’s essential in an ENM relationship.

Good communication includes:

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• Being aware of the time and place you’re having conversations
• Empathizing and understanding your partner’s perspective
• Giving your partner your full attention
• Paying attention to non-verbal cues
• Strong listening skills

If you and your partner are already having communication challenges, it may not be the right time to consider ENM.

3. Are You Ready to Set Boundaries?

If you’re considering an ENM relationship, you’ll need to know what your limitations and boundaries are.

Be ready to discuss what’s important to you, and if you have any hard boundaries you aren’t willing to compromise on.

For example, you might have the boundary that holidays are reserved for you and your partner.

To have a healthy ENM relationship, you need to know what you want and communicate it clearly to your partner. Likewise, you need to be prepared to accept and respect your partner’s boundaries.

The Bottom Line

Ultimately, an ethically non-monogamous relationship isn’t about a lack of commitment to your partner. If anything, it can help you and your partner recommit to each other through exploring new relationships.

Self-reflection and journaling are great ways to explore how you feel about monogamy and decide if ENM could be an option for you and your partner to consider.

Speaking to a relationship therapist can be another excellent resource.

A relationship therapist can help you and your partner:

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• Explore how you feel about seeing people outside of your relationship
• Create a space for healthy, supportive communication
• Establish boundaries you’re both comfortable with

Next Steps for Exploring ENM

After reading this article, you know what ethical monogamy is (and isn’t), and how to know if an ENM relationship could be right for you.

Here at KMA Therapy, we know there are many different ways to have loving, healthy, and fulfilling relationships. Our talented relationship counsellors have been helping our clients create their ideal relationships for over 14 years.

Book an appointment today, or connect with our caring team with any questions you have.

If you’re not yet ready to book an appointment, read these articles to keep learning:

• If you’re interested in speaking to a couples counsellor, read: How to Find a Couples Therapist in Toronto
• To learn more about healthy communication, read: 3 Tips to Improve Communication in Your Relationships
• To explore new ways to self-reflect, read: What is Mindfulness?