Why are Breakups So Difficult? (& 5 Ways to Mend a Broken Heart)
We’ve all been there. The relationship has run its course, and you realize you’re going to have to start living your life without the person you thought you’d be with forever.
Mending a broken heart can feel impossible, and it’s hard to know where to look for support.
Here at KMA Therapy, we know you want answers from experts who know how to help you. For over 15 years, we’ve been connecting our clients and community with high-quality expertise to help navigate and solve the challenges they’re facing.
In this article, sex and relationship therapist Kat Kova explains why breakups are so difficult and offers five ways to mend a broken heart.
Why are Breakups So Difficult?
Falling in love can be all-encompassing and addictive - so when it’s suddenly over, it can be a shock to your system.
“Some people report that the feeling of being in love is similar to being addicted to drugs,” shares Kat Kova. “You find someone that releases those feel-good chemicals in your brain and you find that you’re craving them more and more.”
The problem happens when the relationship ends - suddenly, you find yourself in the withdrawal period.
After a breakup, the withdrawal can make you feel:
- Anxious
- Depressed
- Unable to sleep
- A loss of appetite
- Sick to your stomach
“You may also be left wondering if you’ll ever feel that good or normal again,” explains Kat Kova.
5 Ways to Mend a Broken Heart
Recovering from heartbreak can be difficult, but it’s not impossible! These five tips can help you heal from heartbreak and move forward.
1. Stay out of “detective mode”
Have you ever spent hours scrolling through your ex’s social media after a breakup? Trying to find clues to explain the breakup is tempting, but it often causes more harm than good.
“Unfortunately, we sometimes arrive at the conclusion that there’s something wrong with us, that we’re somehow unloveable, or that we couple have prevent the breakup from happening,” shares Kat Kova.
One of the best ways to stay out of this detective-mode is to cut off your ex cold-turkey. This means unfollowing them on social media (or at least muting their profile so they stop showing up in your feed) and stopping all communication.
2. Boost your self-esteem
Your self-esteem can easily take a hit after a breakup, especially if you were the one who was broken up with.
Trying out different ways to build your self-esteem back up is a great place to start.
Try the 100’s Exercise:
- Take out a pen and paper and write “100” at the top of the page
- Write down 100 things that you value or appreciate about yourself
- Ask friends or family if you need suggestions to help complete your list
3. Ask yourself the right questions
Dwelling on the past is often less helpful than looking toward the future.
“Sometimes the questions that we ask ourselves and others are more important than the answers,” Kat Kova explains.
Instead of berating yourself with questions like, “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why did they leave?”, explore questions that are identity-affirming.
Identity-affirming questions include:
- What are my best qualities?
- What do others like about me?
- What did I do in my last relationship that I’m still really proud of?
This can shift you from negative thinking to positive thinking.
4. Focus on what you can control
“Remember that you are not a mind-reader,” shares Kat Kova. “Do not assume that you know someone else’s reasons for breaking up…it’s possible that the reason has absolutely nothing to do with you.”
You’ll never be able to control someone else’s thoughts and feelings toward you, so instead focus on the things you can control.
If you didn’t have time to pursue a hobby you used to love during your relationship, get back into it. Try and explore new passions and pursuits instead of ruminating on the relationship.
5. Get professional support
People come to therapy for all sorts of reasons, and seeing a therapist for a breakup is way more common than you might think.
A therapist can help you navigate the challenges that come with changing your expectations, adjusting plans, and dealing with the complex feelings that accompany a breakup.
Next Steps for Building Healthy Relationships
After reading this article, you know five ways to navigate heartbreak and move on after a breakup.
Here at KMA Therapy, our relationship therapists are here to help you get through your breakup and find the fulfilling love you deserve.
Fill out a Registration Form to learn more, or take our Attachment Styles Quiz to learn more about your feelings in relationships.
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